I Am a Conservative Read online

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  I am a Conservative: I have not forgotten about the unconstitutional Obamacare scheme no matter how hard the MSM tries to hide it.

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  I am a Conservative: When the MSM/ruling class says "Compromise" they mean "Conservatives get screwed." Enough.

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  I am a Conservative: Charlie Sheen would not vote for a Republican.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey MSM, remember how you used to matter? Yeah, hope that keeps you warm at night. Losers. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: If I was as dumb as Matt Damon, I'd feel better about things. And be entertained by squirrels. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Woody Allen's new movie criticizes the Tea Party, but at least not for screwing its adopted child.

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  I am a Conservative: MSNBC is not a network. It's a syndrome.

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  I am a Conservative: I'm worried about Dick Morris. It's 8:46 am and he's only sent me 12 emails today. Is he sick?

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  I am a Conservative: If the conservative world was A Christmas Carol, Meghan McCain would be The Ghost of Christmas Stupid.

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  I am a Conservative: Yeah MSM, I do believe my own lying eyes.

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  I am a Conservative: A Media Matters "Senior Fellow" is neither.

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  I am a Conservative: Peggy Noonan even makes being boring tiresome.

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  I am Conservative: Meghan McCain speaks for fellow conservatives like she speaks for fellow particle physicists.

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  I am a Conservative: Keith Olbermann is the Justin Bieber of Current TV. Except people apparently pay attention to Justin Bieber.

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  I am a Conservative: The MSM better pray the Right prevails, since we know what the Left does to idiots who stop being useful.

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  I am a Conservative: I'll take John Wayne; you can keep your Michael Cera.

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  I am a Conservative: I'm exercising all my Constitutional rights no matter how sad it makes New York Times columnists. In fact, the sadder the better.

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  I am a Conservative: I am always confused when watching Caddyshack — you mean Ted Knight's Judge Smails is the bad guy?

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  I am a Conservative: Conservatives => Casablanca | Liberals => The English Patient.

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  I am a Conservative: Conservatives => "The Ramones" | Liberals => "A-ha.”

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals love Michael Jackson. Cons despise him aesthetically and perversionally.

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  I am a Conservative: Mythbusters was a lot more appealing before they joined the Jon Stewart "diss conservatives" bandwagon. #Busted

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  I am a Conservative: Liberals like freedom of speech as much as Lindsay Lohan likes sobriety.

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  I am a Conservative: Helen Thomas is a proud pioneer of liberal ethnic tolerance. I say give her the annual Robert Byrd Kleagle's Choice Award.

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  I am a Conservative: My appreciation of John Wayne is totally non-ironic. I know that confuses you hipsters.

  CHAPTER NINE

  The Middle East:

  Yeah, That Again

  The Middle East has been a center of culture, learning, and human achievement since…wait, I got it confused with the West.

  Except for Israel, the Middle East is a squalid cesspool of failed states, creepy dictatorships, and religious fanaticism, unified only by hatred of Israel and of the United States.

  This is why the liberals love it.

  I am a Conservative, and I have no use for these enemies of our country that, for reasons I can’t fathom, we continue to suck-up to instead of drilling our own oil at home and being done with them….

  * * *

  I am a Conservative: Go tell the Spartans that Western Civilization appreciates their kinetic military action against the Persians.

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  I am a Conservative: The administration's last Israel speech was the Dirty Sanchez of American foreign policy.

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  I am a Conservative: The riskiest thing to be is a U.S. ally with liberals in power. You could ask South Vietnam, but, well…

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  I am a Conservative: I'd hate to have to choose between a soft, cuddly puppy and a 2000lb bomb slamming into a Gaza Hamas base.

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  I am a Conservative: And my favorite Arab democracy not installed by the United States is ... um ... well ... er .... #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: So Gaza is still standing? The massive air strikes must have just been a beautiful dream. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Bomb Hamas in Gaza — or is that a NO GO because it's so clearly in our national interest?

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  I am a Conservative: Why are we not bombing Hezbollah? They killed a bunch of Americans too.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't worry about Sharia in America. Sharia ought to worry about us real Americans. #Victory

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  I am a Conservative: Here's my idea about Islamofascism — kill the jihadis in whatever holes they're hiding in. Done.

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  I am a Conservative: The evil Lara Logan assault is a symptom of a terrible disease — and the cure is shooting the people who did it.

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  I am a Conservative: Bring peace to the Mid-East by wiping out the PLO and Hamas. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Destroy Hamas — there's a workable Mideast peace plan.

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  I am a Conservative: The root of the Palestinians' problems is its own total failure as a society. Sow, reap, et cetera.

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  I am a Conservative: I strongly support a Syrian civil war in which both sides lose. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: So, we're giving money to the Palestinians. Hmmm. I know. How about giving them jack shit? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: The Palestinian homeland? Uh, you started a war. You lost. You suck. Move in with your Arab bros. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I couldn't care less which band of anti-Semitic barbarian murderers governs which failed state. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: There's a name for the lands that Israel captured after being attacked. The name is "Israel.” #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: So some Syrians who hate Israel killing other Syrians who hate Israel matters to me ... why? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Apparently public super-Christian Jimmy Carter doesn't think Jesus’ people had any right to be there.

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  I am a Conservative: I stand with the U.S.A. and Israel in our shared war against the barbarians. Now. Forever.

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  I am a Conservative: Tell again me why that punkass Iranian dwarf is still walking around wasting perfectly good oxygen?

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  I am a Conservative: Progressives, can't we agree that the total destruction of Hamas and Hezbollah would build a bridge to peace? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: My Middle East peace plan starts with the IDF wiping out Hamas and Hezbollah.

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  I am a Conservative: Why is Iran not a smoking hole in the middle of a blackened desert?

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  I am a Conservative: I support democracy in the Middle East, which means I'm pro-Israel.

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  I am a Conservative: By "Arab Spring" I guess you mean "Failure with Different Dictators.” #Caring

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  I am a Conserva
tive: I will now list all the contributions to civilization of anti-Israel Mideast nations:_________.

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  I am a Conservative: I will now list all the anti-Israel Mideast nations that are not an embarrassment:_________.

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  I am a Conservative: The only land-for-peace issue is how much more land Arab tyrannies give up to Israel.

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  I am a Conservative: A GOP candidate must pledge not to allow one penny of U.S. money to go to PLO/Hamas to get my vote.

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  I am a Conservative: The Egyptians will choose the Seventh-Century and our liberals will be complicit. Then later they'll all blame us.

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  I am a Conservative: Anti-Zionism is anti-Semitism. And un-American.

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  I am a Conservative: Rachel Corrie is a great example of why you should not consort with evil and do stupid things.

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  I am a Conservative: Is it ethnocentric of me to not want to be governed by dudes embracing the cutting edge of Seventh-Century thought?

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  I am a Conservative: Oh no, Muslim opinion around the world will turn against us if we don't allow ourselves to be dissed.

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  I am a Conservative: That Achmadiajerkoff is still alive is proof liberalism is a suicide pact, not an ideology.

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  I am a Conservative: Israel oughta give up building on its land because that will make the people who want to destroy it happy? #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: Another minimum requirement for any GOP nominee — total, unquestioned support for Israel. #USA

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  I am a Conservative: Notice how there hasn't been another Palestinian flotilla? Shooting terrorists works. #TheMoreYouKnow

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  I am a Conservative: Any GOP-er who wants my support better convince me he's more insanely pro-Israel than I am. That'll take work.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Fight The Power!

  There was a time when conservatives were quiet and well-behaved, where they wore ties and sensible shoes and never made a fuss.

  It was a time when all conservatives did was get their collective butts kicked.

  I am a Conservative, and I don’t play that game…

  * * *

  I am a Conservative: Everything liberals believe in is wrong, and what they are right about they don't really believe in.

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  I am a Conservative: Civility was always just a lib ploy, but I never cared — progressives can kiss my right-wing ass.

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  I am a Conservative: Join me in watching and jeering at liberalism's death spasms. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I feel like slugging someone today. No one in particular, just dipshits in general. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: I am unreservedly happy the Europeans conquered North America and established the U.S.A. Bite me, lefties.

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  I am a Conservative: If it's okay with you, I'll run my own life. And the same thing even if it's not okay with you.

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  I am a Conservative: Ask yourself, "What have I done today to make a liberal cry?"

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  I am a Conservative: Let's not reason with our opponents; let's defeat them and their crappy, fascistic ideology.

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  I am a Conservative: I'll confirm who Oprah is voting for, then vote for the other guy after I clarify who Oprah is.

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  I am a Conservative: No one bores me like an atheist who wants to talk about not believing in God.

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  I am a Conservative: Imperialism is just our way of saying you and your lame, backwater, Marx-loving, failed state suck.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey Euro cowards, if you don't care about your own freedom, why should I care about it?

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  I am a Conservative: My tweets are less "values aren't phenomenology" than "Bite me, liberal goofs." #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: My terrier is better than Obama because the terrier's policies did not lead to five-dollar gas. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: The social welfare system ain't gonna be saved by "compromise" and "bipartisanship." Progressivism is a dead ideology stumbling.

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  I am a Conservative: I am so done with pinko idiots. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: You know what's awesome? The total defeat of our enemies. And Dos Equis on tap.

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  I am a Conservative: If you can handle my vulgarity and drinking, I can handle your lack thereof — and together we'll boot Obama.

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  I am a Conservative: I am under no moral obligation to share the indignations-of-the-moment of whiny commies.

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  I am a Conservative: When liberals call you a "racist," they mean you're an "accurate observer of liberal failure." #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: You are free to try to tell me how to exercise my free speech. And I'm free to tell you to bite me.

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  I am a Conservative: As others have observed, the Constitution is not a suicide pact.

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  I am a Conservative: My radical pro-American views make me a danger to the liberal ruling class. Do yours?

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  I am a Conservative: Every time a lib calls someone a "racist," another con gets his wings.

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  I am a Conservative: The real peace sign is the crosshairs in an American rifle sight. (+)

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  I am a Conservative: I understand Michelle Obama doesn't like my diet. I just wonder how she came to imagine that I asked.

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  I am a Conservative: I want the destruction of socialism as my Kwanzaa present. Which kind of defeats the point of Kwanzaa.

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  I am a Conservative: Jimmy Carter is to the presidency what a herpes infection is to a hot girl. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Feminism is just liberalism with ugly shoes.

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  I am a Conservative: My response to liberal repressive tolerance is offered in unofficial sign language.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP losers, it's not enough to cut until the liberals cry. We want to see wailing and gnashing of teeth.

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  I am a Conservative: In my world, Mumia would be a protein powder used to feed other death row convicts during their short post-trial, pre-snuff appellate period.

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  I am a Conservative: The fact that I don't believe the birther stuff doesn't mean I don't find hilarious how it makes liberals foam at the mouth.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't need to get paid to rally.

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  I am a Conservative: The Bill of Rights is not some sort of Constitutional suggestion box to be ignored as you liberals see fit.

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  I am a Conservative: I want a president who gets as mad at America's enemies as he does at Americans who fail to acknowledge his righteousness.

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  I am a Conservative: I don't need you liberal fascists to "improve" me. And I'll knock you on your pinko asses if you try.

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  I am a Conservative: Socialism is the Nigerian email get-rich-quick offer of political ideologies.

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  I am a Conservative: Sharing = #Caring. For example, sharing my money with losers, deadbeats, and bums, shows how much liberals care.

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  I am a Conservative: I believe in bright lines and clear distinctions. And in victory. I don't compromise principles. Ever.

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  I am a Conservati
ve: My level of concern for stupid people is low. Very low.

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  I am a Conservative: When something is "unacceptable," it really isn't if you then go ahead and just accept it.

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  I am a Conservative: Today, Ivy League degrees mostly guarantee only fluency in liberal clichés and moral illiteracy.

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  I am a Conservative: The intensity of one's liberal feminism is inversely proportional to one's hotness. Deal.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberalism's tendency toward tyranny is not a flaw; it’s the essential feature.

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  I am a Conservative: Liberalism is just fascism with more hugging.

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  I am a Conservative: The liberal unmasking was their argument that it's okay for the government to jail you for publishing a book.

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  I am a Conservative: Isn't cowBOY poetry sexist? I mean, what about womyn cowpokes who want to sponge off Uncle Sucker?

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  I am a Conservative: The only things more boring than reggae music are trustafarian losers who wear Bob Marley tees.

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  I am a Conservative: Here's some cowboy poetry — Roses are red/cut the budget down to only the stuff listed in the Constitution. #Freestyle

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  I am a Conservative: We don't have a "bullying crisis." We have a "pacifistic educators are turning kids into emasculated wusses" crisis.

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  I am a Conservative: I better go buy some toilet paper in case I need to take a Che.

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  I am a Conservative: If the Obama economic plan was an 80's band, it would be Poison. Or maybe Whitesnake.

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  I am a Conservative: This is my country. It does not belong to self-appointed fascists with delusions of adequacy.

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  I am a Conservative: If you dig racism, you'll love our "enlightened" European friends.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey hipster dork, I'm the real nonconformist. Oh, and my taste in cool music is #streetsahead of yours.

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  I am a Conservative: Traditionally, an improving economy shows improvement. Well, I guess I'm just racist or something.

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  I am a Conservative: Every time you don't vote it’s like going up to a vet and saying, "Meh, whatev."

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  I am a Conservative: Politicians, you may address me as "Mr." or "Sir." As my employee, you'll answer to whatever I chose to call you.