I Am a Conservative Read online

  I Am a Conservative:

  Uncensored, Undiluted and Absolutely Un-PC

  By Kurt Schlichter

  Text copyright © 2012 Kurt Schlichter

  Cover Photo © 2012 Kurt Schlichter

  DEDICATION

  I am a Conservative, which means I pay my debts. And I have many with regard to this book.

  There are many people to thank – or blame – for this project. Let’s start with Irina, my hot and wonderful wife, who has tolerated this whole conservative media thing I’ve been doing and helped me through every step of this process. She also didn’t divorce or shoot me. That makes up, almost, for introducing me to Jack the Hideous Terrier.

  There are a lot of people who helped me out in many ways while I put this together with Irina. Jon Gabriel provided valuable feedback and took the cover concept to the next level. Kellie Jane Adan, Kim Tabin Mann, Esq., Dr. Jason Whitman, and Wes (@FTWes) all provided assistance and encouragement, reading drafts and giving me grief where necessary.

  There were many others as well, and I wish I could thank them all, buy them a beer, and annoy hippies with them.

  I want to thank every single one of my Twitter followers for deciding, against all odds and all reason, that I have something to say that they might be interested in reading. You are all truly #caring.

  I also want to thank the Breitbart team, especially Larry O’Connor, Ben Shapiro, Meredith Dake, Dana Loesch, John Nolte, Christian Toto, Mike Flynn, Ezra Dulis and the rest for publishing my work since 2009. It’s been great.

  Finally, I want to thank my late friend Andrew Breitbart. I know a bit about leaders – I’ve served with many – but I’ve only met a few visionaries. Andrew was one. He had a vision of a technology-empowered culture where the gatekeepers who never would have let something like this book see the light of day ten years ago now have to suck up the fact that I can publish it and that you can read it and they no longer get a vote. Andrew’s message was that the culture is ours – go take it! And, I hope, that’s what I’m doing in a small way.

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  PREFACE

  CHAPTER ONE

  No Excuses

  CHAPTER TWO

  What Would Julius Caesar Do?

  CHAPTER THREE

  Republicans, Your Failure Is Complete

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Democrats and Progressives:

  How Do They Work?

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The Global Warming Scam

  CHAPTER SIX

  Government:

  Shrink It, Starve It and Mock It

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Unions: Because They Are Just So Full of Win

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The Mainstream Media, Hollywood, and Other Degenerates

  CHAPTER NINE

  The Middle East:

  Yeah, That Again

  CHAPTER TEN

  Fight The Power!

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Happiness Is a Whole Arsenal of Warm Guns

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Random Thoughts

  PREFACE

  I am a Conservative because I just don’t care.

  I just don’t care about the lame excuses that people offer to justify why the money I earned working should subsidize their deadbeat lifestyles.

  I just don’t care about European weenies who think America’s moral obligation is to capitulate in the face of two-bit tyrants around the world.

  I just don’t care that professional guilt mongers tell us that we must impoverish ourselves — and enrich them — to atone for the alleged sins of people who died a century before I was born.

  I just don’t care.

  God forbid that anyone ever truly thinks that I’m “caring.” In fact, I frequently pay tribute to my contempt for their kind of self-serving “caring” with the hashtag “#Caring.” Hashtags are a kind of shorthand used on Twitter (where this whole thing got started) to represent an idea or a concept clearly a succinctly.

  You’ll see #caring appear frequently as you go. The idea or concept I seek to clearly and succinctly communicate is that I just don’t care. But that insight had probably dawned on you already. I’m not particularly sensitive to others’ feelings, particularly when those others are whiny wusses.

  I am a Conservative, and if you are so damned excited about sensitivity to others, go be sensitive to others. Sensitize your liberal ass off — but count me out.

  And I have no intention of proving myself “sensitive to the needs of others,” or “open to new ideas” or “tolerant” to a bunch of left-wing hypocrites who don’t even bother pretending to practice what they preach.

  See, I know that you leftist hacks don’t want everyone to be “sensitive to the needs of others.” You want me to be sensitive to the needs of others, by which you mean you expect me to write checks to Uncle Sam that you and your liberal buddies will turn into entitlement pay-offs to your various loser constituencies so you can retain and expand your power.

  Have you noticed that no one is ever “sensitive” to the needs of the people who actually produce something besides social pathologies?

  Funny how that works.

  The same is true for being “open to new ideas.” No one is ever supposed to be open to our new ideas. Oh, wait...just thinking that makes me racist. Or is it sexist? No, it’s homophobic. Or is it Islamophobic?

  Just to be safe, I’ll assume all of them.

  Gimme a break. Your party had a hero who was a KKK Kleagle, not mine. Or was Robert Byrd an Exalted Cyclops? I get them confused.

  I am a Conservative, meaning that I think most new ideas are bad ideas.

  See, people have been around long enough that we have a pretty good grasp of what works — like keeping the government the hell out of our lives — and what doesn’t. And what doesn’t work is exactly what the liberals are doing now — increasing government power and influence and thereby wreaking the nation that remains the only real hope left in the world.

  They call this process of destruction “progress.”

  I am against it.

  And don’t get me started on the liberal notion of “tolerance.” Any overlap between actual tolerance and liberal “tolerance” is purely coincidental.

  I am a Conservative, which means that I think individuals can and must govern themselves.

  Left alone, in general, people will flourish. Sure, some will make mistakes, or indulge in bad, short-sighted decision-making. Liberalism counts on that. In fact, the welfare state is built on taking the money from those of us who have our acts together and transferring it a gunpoint to those who have screwed their lives up.

  This is silly, because there is already something in place to address those bad choices. It’s a concept called “consequences,” and it is wonderful.

  Don’t want to work? Awesome! You might find yourself hungry and cold, but you’re an adult and you get to contend with the consequences of your choices. If, you know, you like food and shelter, consequences will give you that little nudge you need to get off your lazy ass and get a job.

  But if you don’t want to — if you are willing to accept the consequences — you can live like a bum. That’s what we mean when we call the United States a “free country.” You are free to live how you wish, and I am free of any obligation to subsidize your degenerate, loser lifestyle.

  Liberalism is, in short, merely a system that uses the amelioration of the negative consequences of its vassal political constituencies’ choices through the transfer of money from productive people as a means to solidify friendly voting blocs.

  Welcome to the Democrat Party, a political party devoted entirely to the idea of stealing from its opponents to pay off the losers who vote for it.


  I am a Conservative, and I don’t apologize.

  Too many “conservatives” do — they want to come across as happy-face nice-guys who would never dream of challenging others with the hard reality that success requires hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

  Well, it does.

  I don’t want to make people happy — I want to make people aware. Then I want to make them get away from me so I can go do what the hell I please.

  What follows is a whole bunch of insights into what it means to be a conservative — a real conservative, who just doesn’t care, not some wussy pseudo-con who yearns for the approval of the liberal establishment so he can keep getting invitations to cocktail parties with Paul Krugman.

  They come largely from my Twitter ramblings over the last couple years offered up under my Twitter handle, @KurtSchlichter. If you haven’t been following me, it’s all new to you. And if you have, you probably haven’t seen most of these. And if you have seen them all, I pity you — get a life.

  I’ve tried to divide them up into categories, but there’s also a bit of chaos to them — the beauty of Twitter being that you can just write about what you want, when you want to. So embrace and enjoy the random!

  The idea is that you can flip to any page and just start reading. It helps if you’ve had some beers.

  Actually, having some beers helps most things.

  While Twitter famously limits tweets to just 140 characters, forcing upon us a wonderful brevity that we find all too rarely in this under-edited world, some of these nuggets o’ wisdom may slightly exceed that. I’ve edited them, changing the little abbreviations we use to save characters, expanding them where a couple more words might clarify and improve the point, and generally made them more coherent. I’ve also sliced out most Twitter names.

  But I’ve left most of the curse words in.

  Like I said, I don’t care.

  If I’ve done my job, you’ll be able to go to any page and just start reading. Hopefully, you’ll laugh. Hopefully, you’ll also nod vigorously. And hopefully, those of you who are afraid to offend, by demanding of others the personal reasonability adults should show, will learn an important lesson.

  That lesson is to proudly say, “I am a Conservative,” and when all the wussy leftists freak out, not to care.

  CHAPTER ONE

  No Excuses

  I expect you to get off your ass and support yourself. That goes for everyone. Healthy, sick, whatever. Wait, there is an exception — if you are a wounded vet in a coma, you get a pass. Otherwise, you need to pull your own damn weight.

  Too harsh? Too inflexible? A lot of people might say so, and they’re all wrong.

  Excuses are the building blocks of failure.

  Failure is not pre-ordained, though to listen to liberals it kind of just happens, as if industrious, hard-working folks are regularly struck from the heavens by some sort of loser lightning bolt. In fact, there are plenty of ways to govern your life so that you don’t fall into a rut.

  You can perform well on the job. This keeps you from getting fired.

  You can save your money in a rainy day fund, or spend some of your money on disability insurance. This protects you when things go bad.

  And you can just generally not be a scumbag. That leads to you not experiencing the kind of problems scumbags always end up experiencing.

  Demanding that adults do the things that adults should do — like support their own sorry asses — is far from unreasonable, but if you dare suggest that concept in liberal society you’ll hear more howling than at a good, old-fashioned seal clubbing.

  This is why it is so important to purge any residual concern about the whining of wusses from your consciousness.

  They use whining as a tool of control. They want to beat us into submission with a never-ending barrage of complaining, cajoling, and coercion.

  You need to tell them to buzz off. Except don’t say “buzz.”

  They want you weak. They want you submissive. They want you to demand nothing of others, because people who are expected to act like free citizens instead of serfs tend to make bad serfs.

  And serfs are what they want — they dream of setting the national iPod on an endless loop of “Serfin’ U.S.A.”

  Their favorite pose is one of caring and concern. Sadly, instead of telling people to suck it up and drive on, today we fall for the lamest of sob stories. It’s as if instead of rewarding actual achievement we now reward people on the emotional impact of the tales of woe they weave, in order to justify giving them our money to go live their lives.

  No wonder the Chinese are kicking our ass; you start moaning there about how society is oppressing you by not giving you free money to support your doughnut and Dr. Phil habits and the next thing you know you’re in some labor camp in the Gobi Desert sewing Gap acid-washed skinny jeans in return for a cold cup of rice.

  Hmmmm. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so dismissive about foreign ideas after all.

  I am a Conservative, which means accepting no excuses...

  * * *

  I am a Conservative: I bet I can trace the root of almost all of your problems back to you.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Stop having kids you can't afford, by dudes you barely know, and then sending me the bill.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: I'd feel like a failure if I had to rely on government handouts, because that's what I'd be.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: People who make a lot of money are cool. People who don't make enough to support themselves should work harder.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: I have the solution to your problems! Stop doing the things that caused your problems in the first place.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: I like it when banks foreclose on deadbeats. Am I mean? Or do I just not like subsidizing losers? (Hint: The answer is “Yes.”)

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Maybe having a sob story ought not to be enough to qualify you to get free money from the government.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Always presumptively blame the complainer. Chances are that misfortune has followed dumbassary.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: The common element in all your problems is you. Accept personal responsibility, stop being a loser, and join the GOP.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: We need more shame and guilt in our society. Feeling bad is a powerful disincentive to parasitism.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: If somebody didn't shoot you while you were in uniform, I'd cut every dime the government gives you in a heartbeat.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Amish community barn-raising = good and praiseworthy; Section 8 vouchers = Bad and dignity-crushing

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Liberals think my working three jobs somehow morally obligates me to subsidize losers working zero. Screw them.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Let me help your poverty problem. Stop being stupid and lazy. There's 90% of it fixed for you. And for free.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Collectivism exists so losers, deadbeats and parasites can live as well as you do, only without working.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Bad things happen to stupid people more often than smart people.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Your failure was caused entirely by you and its consequences should be paid for entirely by you.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Health care is not a human right. Not having your money stolen to subsidize loser Democrat constituencies is.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: People who are lazy and/or do stupid things should be cold and hungry. Consequences rule. #Caring

  ______

  I am a Conservative: "Social Justice" should mean letting stupid and lazy people be cold and hungry until they shape u
p.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Tonight, I had a steak, drank wine, and didn't suck money off the government. So progressives hate me. #Caring

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Don't end welfare as we know it. End welfare period.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: I think our guiding principal of social policy should be, "No worky, no eaty."

  ______

  I am a Conservative: I think the key social policy should be shame — as in, you should be ashamed not to support yourself.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Got problems? Facing challenges? Figure out a solution yourself. I’m not your mommy. You'll keep your dignity and I'll keep my money.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: You're giving me excuses as to why you get my money for not working? Did you not see the hashtag? #Caring

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Hmmm, sounds like things are hard for you, but I still expect you to support yourself. How, you ask? That’s your problem. You figure it out.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Hunger is just your body's way of telling you to get off your lazy ass and go work.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: You are not too good to work at McDonald's. #Caring

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Hunger is nature's way of telling adults to get off their couches and support themselves. Let it do its job.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: To each according to what he earns by working. The end.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: Lame excuses for laziness and stupidity are the lifeblood of Liberalism.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: I do not think we should legislate morality — or legislate away the consequences of bad choices.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: I believe in compassion. Which is why I don't believe in tolerating scumbags and degenerates.

  ______

  I am a Conservative: It's raining, A.K.A. incentivizing people too lazy to get a job and pay for their own housing. #Caring